Concord Journal
Thursday, December 11, 2003

A detailed look at 'Imbyville,' 2010

By Joel Andrews

Back in 2003 a Concord resident, John Wood, fantasized "A Town Called
Nimbia" in The Concord Journal. There the forces of anti-development,
galloping greenery and left wing Democratic political correctness had run
amok. Favorable reaction to this article was so strong that citizens of
Concord, assembled in their Town Meeting in 2004, voted overwhelmingly to
change the name of their town from Concord to Imbyville (named for "In My
Back Yard"). This name change symbolizes their heartfelt approval for forces
of unbridled development under the umbrella of right wing Republican
certitudes, which had actually begun to change during the reigns of King
George II (2000-2008) and of his Massachusetts liege man, Mitt I.

On ascending to the state throne in 2002, Mitt I pledged to showcase
corporate development, commercial sponsorship, CEO influence peddling and
politically inspired project re-naming.

Mitt I 's pre-emptive strike in 2005, accomplished with the help of Massport
operatives, was to seize by eminent domain from the towns of Lexington,
Concord, Lincoln and Bedford four square miles of land, which had previously
Hanscom Airport, which he renamed Fed-Ex-Bush I Massport Mega-Memorial
Airport. Four runways, each one mile in length, were constructed to
accommodate all commercial airliners up to 747s, as well as to accept all
reconstituted Concorde flights from Paris and Beijing. All remaining green
fields were paved over for a 15,000 car parking lot. Hanscom Air Force Base
was privatized and transferred to Fed-Ex and U.PS., only after they
guaranteed noisy night flights.

This formidable construction was accomplished with $97 billion, the most
Federal largesse since the Big Dig, even more tax dollars than George II had
sent to his armies in Iraq and Afghanistan in 2003.

In 2006 Mitt I replaced winding, two-lane Route 2A, the 1775 Battle Road
from Lexington to Concord, with an eight-lane super highway, aptly named the
Bush/Cheney/Enron/Exxon Memorial Superhighway. All construction was done by
Cheney's Halliburton Construction Company under a $500 billion (no-bid)
contract. Mandatory minimum speed is 90 mph.

Then Norwood's Auto Mile was transferred to the Superhighway. Ninety-five
new auto dealerships now line the road. Ernie Boch's
Toyota-Chevrolet-Mitsubishi-Honda-Hyundai-Volvo-Masserati-Jaguar-Volvo-Yugo
dealership now attracts buyers from all over New England and from as far
away as the Maldive Islands. "Come on down!"

Minute Man National Historical Park, first proposed by President Eisenhower
in the 1950s to commemorate local sites involved with the American
Revolution, was totally bulldozed in 2007 as obsolete and irrelevant for the
2000s. Mitt I then privatized and paved over all remaining green parkland:
All historic sites were demolished and paved over, as well. "Asphalt for the
people! Macadam for the masses!" In their place, Mitt I's minions erected
corporate/national/state pavilions along the superhighway.

Where once pilgrims flocked to the Paul Revere Capture site, now cars cram
into the Ahnold Schwartzenegger/Terminator-Ron Reagan-Caleeefornia Oil
Depletion-Tax Writeoff Pavilion. Entrance for pit stops and re-fueling is
restricted only to those SUVs and Hummers getting less than 5 miles per
gallon. Business is brisk.

Next the historic old wooden North Bridge over the Concord River, where the
Red Coats fired their muskets at colonial militiamen in 1775, was replaced
in 2006 by the Kennedy/Kerry/Meehan Memorial Toll Bridge. Henry Thoreau's
original 1840s Walden Pond wooden hut now serves as one of its 16 toll
booths. Tolls are $75 for cars and $1 for qualified 12-wheel trucks and for
sufficiently fuel-inefficient pickup trucks, vans and SUVs.

In 2008 Mitt I privatized Route 2 . It is now known as McMansion Alley.
There on both sides are 453 exquisite mega-mansions. Each required a minimum
of 12,000 square feet, 16 rooms, a five-car garage, six baths and a selling
price exceeding $3.5 million. Occupancy is still restricted to Lexington,
Lincoln, Concord, Weston and Wellesley realtors, venture capitalists,
class-action lawyers and to several Red Sox sluggers.

In 2009 big events occurred around the former Walden Pond site in Concord.
Before the big doings, the National Rifle Association sponsored building the
Charlton Heston/Donald Rumsfeld Memorial rifle, semi-automatic, heat-seeking
missile, mortar and rocket range along Route 126. Here corporate sportsmen
pay $60,000 each for the privilege of taking out any remaining wild life.

Then in late 2009 Walden Pond was drained. Totally. All the pond's water was
bottled and now sells well at health food stores under the
"Emerson/Bronson/Alcott Take Back Nature's Waters" label.

In late 2009 Mitt I (finally) built the Wampanoag/Finneran/Thoreau/Henley/On
Walden Pond Gambling Casino. It features 17,000 slot machines, 600 roulette
wheels and 2400 gaming tables, each attended by three comely croupiers,
restricted to graduates of this area's most exclusive private schools and
colleges. Any trees remaining in the surrounding Walden Woods were
pulverized. Wood dust was mixed with enough asphalt to pave over any
remaining green space, thus creating a parking lot adequate for 25,000 cars
and 500 buses, which transport thousands of AARP elderly from Connecticut.
The casino attracts gamblers from all 50 states and from 170 foreign
countries. It dwarfs and outdraws Foxwoods and all other American gambling
casinos combined.

Finally in early 2010 Mitt I called on George II, from retirement at his
Texas ranch, to visit Concord with his crew of Texas roustabouts. They
drilled 1,776 wells around the perimeter of the Casino parking lot, 69 of
them gushers. Appropriately, the new oil field is named for its biggest
donors and sponsors: The George II/Mitt I/Saddam Hussein/Osama Bin Ladin
Memorial Concord Oil Field.

Joseph L. "Joel" Andrews is a physician and author. He is a resident of
Center Village Drive.

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